Naruto: Dank Chronicles
by MaraX6960
Summary: Minato had one dream. For his son to follow in his footsteps. Just not in the way everyone thought. Crackhead!Naruto
1. Chapter 1

The village of Konoha was in uproar as the gigantic beast paraded through the streets, the nine Doritos attached to its bottom swaying around like tails. The smell of nacho cheese invaded the nostrils of the fleeing civilians and fighting Shinobi, almost poisoning them. The dust that fell from the Doritos engulfed the buildings and acted like some type of corrosive material, destroying everything in its path. From a safe distance, a lone man watched on as the Kyuubi kept using his village as its personal paradise.

This man was Minato Namikaze, the fourth Hokage of Konoha and the fastest drug dealer in all of the Elemental Nations.

Minato took a long drag of the blunt he was holding in his mouth. This day had been an absolute hell for him. His first plan was to pull the classic 'Hide and Seek' move on Kushina after she had given birth, but the Nine Tailed Doritos Fox had to attack the village of course. Minato could see the potential in his newborn son, even though it could always be the weed doing its work. That kid would be one hell of a drug dealer one day, and Minato knew it.

Letting out a sigh, Minato threw his blunt away. The moment he put that Hokage hat on he had pledged his undying loyalty for the village. He would die for the streets. He would die for his hood.

''Guess I'll have to do it without Gamabunta then...The fucker is probably throwing a mass orgy, lucky bastard...'' Minato growled out as he started to go through the hand seals. An eerie feeling dawned over Minato as the Shinigami appeared behind him. The two did their secret handshake before turning their attention towards the rampaging beast.

''Can you seal that nacho cheese bitch?'' Minato asked politely. The Shinigami nodded and pulled out two gigantic joint wraps. The Shinigami extended its hand through Minato's stomach, aiming for the Kyuubi. The beast shrunk noticeably when the death god ripped a part of its soul out, rolling it up in one of the joint wraps. Minato gritted his teeth as the Shinigami shoved the joint into his body, a seal representing a weed plant forming on his stomach.

''Almost there...''

''Minato, no!''

To say that Minato was annoyed by Kushina's sudden appearance would be an understatement.

''Bitch, back the fuck off!'' Minato shouted, ''There's no other choice! Do you think I want to seal Mr. Nacho Cheese over here inside my own son?!''

While Kushina hurried over towards Minato to hold a dramatic monologue, the Kyuubi had raised one of its hands and was aiming for the baby. Blood splattered all over the ground as the beast's claw impaled both Minato and Kushina.

''Hey Naruto...'' Minato greeted his crying son, ''I'm sorry it had to be like this, but I can tell that you're going to have all them bitches when you get older. Just make sure to deal the drugs for a good price, run from the ANBU as fast as you can and-''

''Minato, you're not turning our son into a drugs dealer.''

''Bitch, I do whatever the fuck I want.''

With his last breath, Minato forced the joint containing the other halve of the Kyuubi's soul inside Naruto. An identical weed-shaped seal appeared on the child's stomach.

On this day, a new drugs dealer had been born.

* * *

''You're not going to catch me, suckas!''

Naruto ran for his dear life as a few Chuunin were on his tail. It had been the hundred time he had skipped class, but it had always been worth it. Even though the people in the village seemed to dislike him for some reason, his stuff was some of the best you could get on the streets. He had sharp deals, a perfect balance between customer service and profit.

The other ninja's didn't like that.

It was certain that most of the Chuunin chasing Naruto where jealous of him. He knew that most Shinobi were dealers out there, it was the only way to get some good money without doing missions. Of course, as an Academy student he wasn't even allowed to deal drugs yet. You had to be at least a Genin to do that. Too bad that Naruto couldn't care less.

Taking a sharp turn around a corner, Naruto crashed into somebody. While Naruto was nursing his head, Iruka levelled the boy with the sternest gaze he could muster.

''Sup, Iruka-sensei.'' Naruto greeted his teacher with a grin.

''Naruto,'' Iruka started slowly, ''What did I tell you about dealing drugs during class again?! It's illegal! Why can't you just wait until you're a Genin and go to school like everyone else does?'' Iruka shouted.

''But school's so boring! All the other ninja deal drugs too!'' Naruto whined. His teacher's response was a sigh. Iruka grabbed Naruto by his collar and formed a hand seal with his free hand. Within the blink of an eye, the two had appeared in the classroom.

''Now go.'' Iruka commanded as he pushed Naruto into the room where the exams were held, ''It's your turn to take the exams now. ''

Grumbling to himself, Naruto entered the room. He was greeted by a smiling Mizuki-sensei. Naruto really liked the man, they had hit the bong together quite a lot, and Mizuki was one of the few ninja's who didn't punish Naruto for dealing.

''Alright, Naruto...'' Iruka started as he sat down next to Mizuki, ''To kick things off, we'd like you to perform the Bunshin no jutsu.''

'Fuck, that's my worst jutsu!' Naruto cursed in his mind. Hoping for the best, he formed the seal for the technique and a puff of smoke appeared next to him.

Instead of a clone, there was a small pool of Mountain Dew lying on the floor.

''You fail!''

''Why?! We'd start things off with this jutsu, so there's supposed to be more! So why?!''

''Because the plot says so!''

''Fuck!''

Naruto stormed out the room, ignoring the stares and curious looks his classmates were giving him. If he wanted to survive another year at the academy, he would need a blunt now.

* * *

The wind blew through Naruto's hair as he took another hit from his blunt. He was currently sitting on his balcony, enjoying the nice weather and his good weed. The climate in Konoha was perfect for growing weed plants all day long.

''Hey Naruto.''

Naruto almost dropped his blunt when he saw that Mizuki was sitting on the railing. Quickly regaining his composure, Naruto sent a questioning gaze towards Mizuki.

''Don't scare me like that, Mizuki-sensei. Did you come here for some weed?'' Naruto asked, his tone sounding a bit down. Mizuki smiled and shook his head in response.

''Not this time,'' Mizuki said as he let out a laugh, ''You know, I don't think Iruka was being fair during the exams. I'm here to give you another chance.'' Mizuki explained, his smile still on his face.

''Really?!'' Naruto exclaimed, his eyes glimmering with hope, ''What do I have to do? Tell me!''

''It's simple, really. You know where the Hokage's office is, right?'' Mizuki asked, making Naruto nod. ''There's a scroll there, the Forbidden Scroll of Blunts. It contains some of the strongest drug recipes and jutsus in existence. I need you to grab that scroll, learn a technique from it and wait for me to arrive.''

''Got it, Mizuki-sensei!'' Naruto exclaimed as he gave Mizuki a thumbs-up, ''I'm going to learn all that good stuff from that scroll! I'm going to be the best damn drugs dealer in the whole wide world!'' Naruto shouted to the heavens before darting off towards the Hokage's office.

Once Naruto was out of sight, Mizuki's smile changed into a sneer.

''Stupid Doritos child... Once I get rid of him, I will not only be hailed as a hero, I'll have the Forbidden Scroll of Blunts as well! All the bitches will be mine!''

A few people walking the streets considered calling the ANBU when Mizuki's maniacal laughter started echoing through the village.

* * *

''Well, this escalated quickly.''

Naruto had thought that this so called 'Forbidden Scroll of Blunts' would contain some type of jutsu that would teach him to grow drugs, but no. All he managed to learn during the time he had spent studying the scroll was some clone technique. Of course, there were plenty of ways to roll a blunt written down in the scroll, but that didn't interest him. He already knew his blunts were the best in all of the Elemental Nations.

''Naruto! What in the name of Hashirama's holy morning wood are you doing?!''

The blonde turned his head to see Iruka approaching him. The Chuunin looked as if someone had shit on his shrooms, which meant he had to be pissed.

''What I'm doing?'' Naruto repeated, ''I'm learning some jutsu from the scroll, like Mizuki-sensei told me to. The old man told me that I should respect my elders, and always comply with their request when it involves drugs. He told me that I should hit the blunt as hard as I could, because that's what all twelve year olds do.''

Iruka blinked a few times before his face scrunched up in confusion. "Mizuki? What does he have to do with it?''

''I have everything to do with it.'' Mizuki's voice suddenly rang out as he stepped out of the shadows, ''I also fucked your bitch by the way, but no hard feelings right? Now give me the scroll, Naruto.''

''Don't listen to him, Naruto!'' Iruka shouted, ''He wants the scroll for his own sick purposes. He can't handle the fact that his penis is too small! He's going to play you like some nacho cheese Doritos!''

''Two inches can please a woman perfectly!'' Mizuki retaliated, before his expression changed into a smug one, ''How thoughtful of you to bring up the Doritos. Naruto, you remember that time when you got those nacho cheese Doritos once, and you didn't want to eat them so you gave them to Iruka?'' Mizuki asked.

Naruto remained silent for a while before nodding, ''Yeah, I do. I knew that people fucking hated nacho cheese, but Iruka-sensei lost his shit when I wanted to give him the Doritos.''

''Do you know why that is, Naruto? I'm sure you know that the Nine Tailed Dorito Fox attacked our village years ago. The Fourth Hokage defeated it by spraying Mountain Dew all over it. That's not the true story though.'' Mizuki said, his expression growing more insane by the second.

''Mizuki, don't! It's forbidden!''

''The Fourth sealed the beast inside you!'' Mizuki yelled as he pointed at Naruto. ''You are the Nine Tailed Dorito Fox! You are the beast that killed Iruka's parents! They might have survived if they weren't allergic to nacho cheese though... but that doesn't matter! You are the thing you hate the most, NACHO CHEESE DORITOS!''

Naruto could feel his world starting to collapse around him. He was a fucking nacho cheese Dorito?''

''Naruto, listen to-'' Iruka started, but was cut off by Naruto.

''No.'' Naruto said in a quiet tone.

''What's that, Doritos kid?'' Mizuki taunted.

''I'm not a fucking nacho cheese Dorito...'' Naruto spoke up, this time a bit louder, ''I mean, if it was sweet chilli it would have been okay, but nacho cheese?! I fucking refuse! SWEET CHILI FOR LIFE!''

Forming the hand seal that would later become one of his trademarks, Naruto created hundreds of clones. The clones all whipped out a few bottles of Mountain Dew, making Mizuki's eyes widen in horror. His screams echoed through the forests as the clones poured their Mountain Dew onto his body, all while making rather passionate noises. In a matter of seconds, Mizuki's body was gone.

''I really need to hit a fucking blunt now...'' Naruto muttered as he collapsed onto the grass and closed his eyes. He opened them again to see Iruka's face hanging over him, a smile on his teacher's face.

''...Please don't rape me.''

''I won't. Congratulations, you're a ninja now.''

''Fuck yeah... Can we go hit a blunt now?''

''Sure, it's legal now.''

* * *

 **I am questioning my sanity after writing this, you probably should too. Don't expect much from this.**


	2. Chapter 2

Kakashi didn't know what to think of his team.

From his left, his first Genin was Sasuke Uchiha. The child looked calm, unfazed, composed... the emo type some of the ladies would fall for. But with Kakashi's years of experience, he knew there was much more to the scene. Sasuke smelled of that cheap Uchiha weed that hadn't been sold since Itachi slaughtered the clan like the casuals they were.

It was no secret to most ninja that Sasuke was obsessed with rebuilding his clan. To be more specific, he wanted the Uchiha, or what was left of the clan, to control all the drug trade in the village, maybe even beyond that. The problem was that Itachi had taken, destroyed or shoved most of the drugs up Sasuke's ass during the massacre. With little to no wares, Sasuke would have to start from scratch again.

The second Genin was Sakura Haruno, a civilian girl. Those civilians didn't know shit about how a ninja rolled, and Kakashi assumed that Sakura was clueless as well. The girl seemed to have some kind of crush on the Uchiha, too bad she didn't know the truth about him. Oh well, Kakashi had to break it to her later.

Now he had arrived at the kid who would forever be his favourite student, even if the team would fail.

Naruto Uzumaki was his father's mirror image. The shaggy blonde hair, that high look in the eyes, the blunt hanging out of the mouth... This was a fresh Genin, but Kakashi could already tell that the kid was seasoned in the fine art of drugs. While Naruto was knowledgeable, he lacked tact, precision. Something that was extremely important. The smell of Naruto's weed reminded Kakashi slightly of that good Senju weed they used to sell back in the day.

'Yeah, that stuff was the best... Too bad that fucking whore Tsunade didn't continue the family business...' Kakashi cursed in his mind. He scanned over his team with his visible eye one more time, before finally beginning to explain.

''Alrighty then. I want you all to take that the stuff they taught you in the Academy, and throw that bullshit out of your head.'' Kakashi informed his team in a rather upbeat tone. Sasuke didn't show any reaction, one of Naruto's eyebrows rose up and Sakura looked rather confused.

''But Sensei, that makes absolutely no sense!'' Sakura shouted.

''Exactly. The world doesn't make sense. I mean, why are your boobs so small? Why would the sky be blue when it can be green?'' Kakashi asked, ''Green is a much cooler cool. My favourite thing in the world is green... most of the time.''

''I can get behind that.'' Naruto agreed. Most weed plants were green after all.

''Now before I start explaining why the Academy is a load of nonsense, why don't we introduce ourselves first?''

''Why don't you go first, Sensei?'' Sakura asked, to which Kakashi nodded.

''The name's Kakashi Hatake. I like lots of things, I dislike some things as well. My dream... never really thought about it.'' Kakashi finished with a shrug. ''Now, the blond with the blunt hanging out of his mouth, why don't go next?''

''I'm Naruto Uzumaki! I like ramen and taking care of my 'plants'. I dislike people who judge me because I started dealing at an early age. My dream is to become the best drug dealer in the Elemental Nations!'' Naruto exclaimed with a grin.

Kakashi had to hold back the tears that threatened to spill from his eye.

''Alright... next.'' Kakashi sobbed.

While Sakura was introducing herself, Kakashi was focusing on Naruto and Sasuke. He could feel the tension between the two rising, especially since their weed was completely different. It was like the drug wars between the Senju and Uchiha all over again.

''The name is Sasuke Uchiha,'' Sasuke started as it was his turn to begin. ''I have few likes, and there are too many dislikes to name. I have no dream, but I have an ambition...''

Kakashi's edgelord senses started to tingle.

''It is to restore my clan's honour, and to noscope a certain man...''

'Damn, he wants to noscope somebody?!' Naruto raged in his mind. 'What kind of shit is he on?'

''That's good. You're all unique with your own dreams and goals. You're all like purple weed plants in a meadow of green. Now let's just hope that you all pass the genin test.''

''Genin test?'' Sakura repeated in confusion. ''But sensei, we already are genin.''

''This is why I told you that the Academy was a load of bullshit. The real test will be tomorrow, and it has a 69 percent chance of failure.''

''Wouldn't 66 percent make more sense?''

''Don't question my dankness, Sakura. Anyways, I'll see you tomorrow then! Be at training ground 7 at five o'clock. Don't eat or smoke, you'll throw up. Oh and Naruto, you stay for a bit.''

Sakura and Sasuke left the roof, while Naruto sat there, staring at Kakashi. Oh boy, was he going to get an ass whooping for selling drugs?

''I want to show you something.'' Kakashi said before grabbing Naruto by his shoulder. Within the blink of an eye, they had arrived at a training ground. In front of the duo was a stone.

''What is this, some kind of giant crack rock?'' Naruto asked as he approached the stone.

''This stone has the names of heroes engraved of them. They all died for our village.'' Kakashi muttered as he laid a hand on the stone.

''Shit's deep man...'' Naruto muttered.

''But no one cares about that. You know Naruto, you remind me of one of our greatest drug dealers. That's why I wanted to show you this...''

Kakashi tapped on the gravestone in a certain pattern. A piece of the ground near the stone dissapeared and revealed a chest. Kakashi opened the chest, and Naruto's eyes widened.

Weed. Shrooms. Cocaine. LSD. Everything a man could wish for was in that chest.

Rummaging through the chest, Kakashi pulled out a small box.

''This box has some of the last Senju weed around.'' Kakashi whispered, as if someone could steal the weed anytime. ''I wanted to smoke this with you.''

''I have no idea what to say.'' Naruto muttered in awe.

''Don't say anything, my boy. Just take a drag.''

Complying with Kakashi's request, Naruto pulled out his lighter and started smoking the blunt.

''S-sensei, are you sure this is weed. Like... I'm tripping balls already man.''

A sound that resembled a hen being strangled came out of Kakashi's mouth. ''I know, right? Can you hear that Obito?'' Kakashi suddenly asked as he stroked the memorial stone.

''Holy shit... is the sky orange?'' Naruto asked as he stared up to the sky, his eyes puffy and red.

''You know Obito, I smashed Rin in your room after you died...'' Kakashi whispered to the memorial stone.

''Oh fuck, it is orange!''

''I'm sorry, but she was _so_ tight...''

''Did God leave me unfinished?''

''While you were chilling under them rocks, I was getting maaaaad pussy...''

''Why does nobody love me?''

''I cucked your dead ass...''

''Where can I buy some bleach?''

Kakashi would never hand his weed to a twelve year old again.

* * *

''Sasuke, can you say anything besides 'hn'?

''Hn.''

''Fuck you.''

Naruto and Sasuke had confronted each other soon after Naruto finished blowing with Kakashi. They knew that they were both players in the game. After a whole of lot of bitching, 'hn's' and shouting, the two decided to go over to Sasuke's house for a smoke.

''Damn, you even have a meth lab here?!'' Naruto exclaimed as he looked around the compound. Many of the buildings were abandoned, and Sasuke could use the extra space.

After some time, the two arrived at Sasuke's house. Naruto could smell the weed.

And it smelled bad. Really bad.

''Here, try some of this.'' Sasuke offered as he handed Naruto some weed. Narrowing his eyes, Naruto rolled a blunt and started to take a drag of it.

A strange feeling of anxiousness started welling up in Sasuke's stomach. He wouldn't have cared if anyone called his stuff bad or anything, but for some reason Naruto's judgement mattered to him. The boy was the only one who had as much experience as he did when it came to weed. Hell, Sasuke even dared to say that Naruto was better at dealing.

Sasuke hated it.

''Sasuke...'' Naruto started as he exhaled deeply.

The Uchiha's hands trembled.

''This stuff is absolute garbage.''

'' _You're nothing more than a filthy casual, Sasuke.''_

An ear piercing shriek left Sasuke's mouth as he fell to the ground, the sounds of an AR-7 firing ringing in his ears.

''Ehm... Sasuke? Are you alright?''

With each word Naruto spoke, Sasuke's PTSD intensified.

'' _Why did you kill them?!''_

'' _To see what I was capable of. From the very beginning, I knew our clan consisted of nothing more than a bunch of casuals. They were all jealous of my skills, they knew they would never be as good at rolling blunts. That's why I noscoped them. All of them.''_

'' _But why... why did you leave me alive?! Why did you not just kill me?!''_

'' _It is simple. I saw potential. The potential to git gud. Once you have the same eyes as I have, come before me. We shall see who is the best noscoper.''_

While Sasuke was still spazzing out on the floor, Naruto took one good look around the room. Damn, there was a lot of good stuff in here that he couldn't afford. But he had that important survival exercise tomorrow, so leaving Sasuke to his PTSD and going home was his main priority.

After he had stolen all of Sasuke's drugs.

* * *

 **Because you cucks on the discord server were asking for it for a long time, so leave me alone for fuck's sake. I still love you guys tho. Now excuse me while I go tie a noose.**


	3. Chapter 3

''Sasuke-kun.''

''Hn.''

''Sasuke-kun.''

''Hn.''

''Sasuke-kun?''

''HNNNNNNNNNN!''

Naruto watched on as Sasuke's autistic senses got the better of him. He couldn't help but feel bad for him. Maybe he shouldn't have stolen some of Sasuke's drugs after that little panic attack yesterday...

''Sasuke,'' Naruto started, ''my ninja. Maybe we should go hit a fat one real quick? You know, to get our senses up for the test. We'll ace it without a problem!''

Sakura's fist crashed onto Naruto's head, because feminism apparently let's women do whatever the fuck they want. ''You idiot! Didn't Kakashi-sensei tell you not to do drugs?! And besides, Sasuke-kun would never compete in such vulgar activities.''

''Well, why do you think he's so fucked up now then huh?'' Naruto asked. ''I'm telling you, his eyes aren't red because unlocked his Sharingan now.''

While Sasuke continued with his autistic screeching in the background, Naruto and Sakura stood there in silence, waiting for their Sensei. Naruto's eyes trailed over Sakura's form. Her hair was pretty nice, but her assets were non-existent. But he had to lose his virginity fast, he would be a disgrace among ninja otherwise. Even the highest ranking ninja among the drug society were known as pimps. The second Hokage, Tobirama, was said to have attracted so many bitches with his fur that Konoha's population was doubled within nine months.

''Hello there!'' A cheerful voice rang out from the distance. Kakashi was approaching the group, and he looked a tad too happy.

''You're late!'' Sakura shouted, stomping her foot on the ground because that fucking helps with getting the point across.

''I'm sorry, I saw a black cat high on cocaine and since I didn't want to suck the dust out of its asshole I took the long way around.''

''Wait what.''

''Anyway!'' Kakashi clapped his hands together in an enthusiastic fashion. ''I hope you all took some XTC or something, because by the end of this your anuses are going to be bigger than the hole of disappointment Boruto left in the hearts of anime fans.''

''But you told us not to take any drugs!'' Naruto and Sakura shouted back, even Sasuke supporting them with autistic sounds.

''What are you, fucking stupid? It was just a piece of advice, only casuls don't do drugs. Now let's get started, I need to get me some pussy after soon.''

Kakashi reached down to his waist and pulled out a pair of silver bells. ''See these bells? You will have to get these from me in order to pass. If you don't, you'll get send right back to that shithole people call the Academy.''

''But sensei, there are onl-''

''I know there's only two fucking bells. It's supposed to teach you about teamwork and shit. But since you're all either too fucking stupid or too fucking high too understand anything, I'm pretty sure you'll forget it in 69 seconds minimum. Three, two, one GO!"

In a flash, Kakashi pulled out his custom Glock 17 and started unleashing hell on the defenceless Genin. Sakura hid behind a tree, Sasuke used Instant Transmission to get the fuck out and Naruto dodged the bullets Matrix style.

''Ha!'' Naruto laughed, ''You think bullets are enough to stop the great Naruto? I'll have you know, my dick is 69 inches long!''

Kakashi nodded, his eyes filled with mild impression. ''I see. That means I'll have to pull out bigger weaponry, and I'm not referring to my penis this time.''

Once again, Kakashi's hand reached down to his waist. Naruto tensed, what could his secret weapon be?''

''What the fuck? Fifty Shades of Grey?"

''It actually isn't. It's just the book cover but it's filled with a bunch of bad hentai. You know, the kind the horny twelve year olds masturbate too,'' Kakashi explained. Naruto grinded his teeth together, this man wasn't even taking him seriously. Maybe he would be better off leaving the village, becoming an edgelord and building his own harem?

''Take this!'' Naruto shouted at the top of his defiled lungs, summoning a bunch of shadow clones. The clones charged at Kakashi, intending to destroy him with their bottles of mountain dew. In response, Kakashi flashed a bad tentacle porn picture to the clones, destroying them in an instant.

''Got ya bitch!''

Kakashi turned around, only to get impaled onto Naruto's sweet chilli Doritos. Naruto's eyes widened when Kakashi turned into a bunch of smoke.

''Impossibru! He can create vape clones?!''

''You know, kids like you shouldn't leave their behind unprotected.''

Naruto wanted to protect his sacred booty, but it was already too late.

''Super special swagger release: Anal Penetration Jutsu!"

A feeling of warmth entered Naruto's rectum. He knew what it was. It burned his insides, making them churn and turn.

He loved blunts, but he didn't want to have one shoved up his ass.

* * *

''O Sasuke-kun, where art thou?''

Sakura's plan seemed flawless, at least to herself. Find Sasuke, rape him, pass the test, ditch Naruto in a sewer, rape Sasuke, grow a dick, rape Sasuke anally...

She could go on for hours, but she had to find Sasuke first to be able to do any of that.

As she looked through the forest, Naruto's words ringed through her mind. Maybe Sasuke actually did do drugs? Maybe he even was an addict. Shaking her head, Sakura shook off these negative thoughts. No, she wouldn't be able to live in such a reality.

The harsh reality in truth was that she almost got impaled by a syringe.

''What the...''

''Fuck, I missed!'' Sakura heard Kakashi curse.

''Kakashi-sensei, what are you doing with that syringe?!''

''Oh, this?'' Kakashi threw a quick glance towards the syringe he was holding. ''This contains a dose of breast growth drugs. I thought you could use some. Might even help with the boys, if you know what I mean.

''Stay away from me.''

''Bitch, listen up. I owe this one scary dude one hell of a debt. I tried to sell all the drugs I could, but it was to no avail. But if I could pimp you out I could earn a lot more cash. Now just stand still, I promise it won't hurt...''

''Don't come any closer.''

''This helps you out too, you know?''

Sakura gained a fear of syringes from that day on.

* * *

''Why am I the one tied up to the pole again?''

''Because BDSM is super kinky.''

Naruto started at the ground in front of him. Kakashi's mastery of drugs and memes had been too much for all three of them. Wasn't there like some underlying message or something?

''Teamwork,'' Kakashi said. ''I knew y'all were so fucking stoned that you would forget. But if I would fail you right here, Kishimoto wouldn't get any money. So that's why I'm giving you a second chance. Sasuke and Sakura here get to snort some coke, but Naruto can't have any. Should you share it with him, you will fail instantly. Now excuse me while I go masturbate around the corner.''

Tears almost started to leak from Naruto's eyes. He really wanted some of that coke.

''Here.''

Sasuke was holding a straw and a handful of coke in front of Naruto's face. Naruto's and Sakura's eyes both widened, although for different reasons.

''You can't, Sasuke-kun! You'll fail if you do!'' Sakura tried to reason.

''I could give less fucks about that,'' Sasuke retaliated. ''Naruto is a bro. Bros before hoes, and Kakashi is definitely a hoe in this case.

A sob of happiness escaped Naruto's mouth.

''Bruh.''

''I know, Sasuke Uchiha is one hell of a badass. Now snort this shit up before Kakashi comes back boi.''

''Can we buttfuck some hoes after this?''

''No homo right?''

''Of course not. What are you, a fucking faggot?''

The straw would have enter Naruto's nostril if not for Kakashi's glock being pressed right against his temple.

''C'mon man, just one sort?'' Naruto pleaded. Kakashi remained silent, his gun still pressed against Naruto.

''Okay, you pass, '' Kakashi nodded. ''You are the real MVPs. Normally I would have to give a speech or something, but fuck that lmao. So I want you to remember only one thing. Those who obey the ANBU are bitches. But those who snitch their homies to the ANBU are worse than bitches.''

''Words to live by.'' Naruto and Sasuke both responded. Sakura just stared at Kakashi, her eyes to devoid of any emotion. Seeing that your teacher is as much of a junkie as Naruto must've had some serious impact on her brain.

''Now, I really need to get laid, so let's got a strip club!" Kakashi exclaimed, his tone overflowing with happiness. Naruto grinned.

He fucking loved his team.

* * *

 **Kinda short chapter, but my attention span is limited while I'm tripping balls. I promise the next chapter will be worth the wait. Like, trust me, I'm Mara.**

 **That is actually the reason you should not trust me.**

 **Anyway, much, much love to my bois on the discord server. First one goes out to my baby Plagued Ambition, a really good writer, check his stuff out. Then there's my boi Boid(he doesn't write), he may suck shit at Dark Souls but he will always have a special place on the list of people I hate. Then there's Reain, but he's not really worth talking about lmao. We got high together once tho, it was pretty nice. There's a lot of other people I could talk about, but my memory is fuzzy.**

 **I shouldn't write ANs while tripping btw. It makes me all sappy and nice, which is the opposite of what I'm actually am. They also make these notes way longer than they should be. Now go prepare your Clorox, your anti-depressants and whatever the fuck a human being needs to live. I'll be back some other time.**


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